20 years ago I was supposed to marry you and today, at 1 am, for some weird reason I am thinking of you. Actually I am thinking about how I never think of you. Then I’m thinking about how you set my expectations of treatment because I was your Queen. Then I’m thinking about how much courage you had and how strong your decisions were and how much you wanted to lead and build and grow. Our young relationship set the stage for everything and was a model of what was right. I think I now realize that I’ve been trying to see what came naturally to you, because of our upbringing, in others.
You created expectations that have consistently never been met by others – but are good and right. You and I were the perfect mix-match, no hiding, no lying, genuinely best friends. Until we were not. And it’s fascinating me now how I just stopped thinking about you. I’m sure I went through some withdrawals when we were separated, but you crossed a line we could never come back from, well I couldn’t because I valued myself that much, even so young. But there were great things about you, that 20 years later I cannot deny and are truly difficult to find outside of that little world we were brought up in. But, I’d never go back – it wasn’t for me. I wonder if this is my queue to lower my expectations of others. If I do that though, what do I become but a prisoner of mediocrity and lack of reciprocity. I see people trying to create what we had naturally and they struggle so much.
Over 20 years I’ve thought of you maybe 5 times, even looked you up a few. Like me, you are hard to find. Did you ever find someone new or did what happened break you, like it cracked me? We are all vessels of our own history. 20 years later I both kinda hope you are well and wonder how life taught you lessons and if it hurt you like you hurt me. But I think that hoping you well part is only because right at this very moment I remember, you knew the Queen you had and you handled me accordingly in everything, as my husband, until you didn’t. Thank you and now my mind can go back to protecting me and erase this memory and that of all people like it.
Actually I think the lesson is in my expectations from a relationship (true chosen partnership) and that they are not and will never be wrong because they were forged from a very special love that was broken in a way only special love can be – permanently and without memory. Epiphany.