It’s taken a while to fully accept the mistakes I made against myself. I can’t really call them mistakes because they had a role to play in me reaching where I am today. The last one, a complete illusion, was the fakest place but the fake was safe. I didn’t know, until I needed to, how completely untrue it all was, but in that garden of illusions I grew wings.
It wasn’t the person. They were a facade. Another one I contributed to in ways on on levels they could never reciprocate. That’s my role. Expose and expand and whatever road they take is up to them but it would never be together because these, I now realize, were never, ever my tribe.
I told a wise soul my stories and they simply said we were to complete opposites. Not the cute ‘we balance each other’ kind, but like angel and devil. In one telling they realized I was always the prize to people that were able but not willing to level up because they were comfortable in being stuck. Yet, I was naturally light and free, expansive and open, kind and welcoming. These people were none of these things, naturally. They were dark while I was light. There was nothing they could ever give to me that I wasn’t equipped to glean while everything I gave grew them and required teaching. I was attached to the connection I created through my own giving and nurturing. They were attached to the opportunity to take from, appropriate, manipulate and replace, me.
I now find it funny because it is so clear. With my whole chest and without shame I can honestly say, I will never look in the places they were found again. People are their environments and that’s what sets their mindsets and the very root of them, their heart condition. It takes courage to be interested in people, places and things that are different, to hold different opinions or ways of reasoning, to think beyond the self and with inclusion, to respect others and understand what it means to respect oneself. I entered these spaces knowing these things, imparting this knowledge while to them I was weird and speaking a foreign language. That should’ve alerted me, but instead, my open heart widened itself to accept and explore who never should’ve been. But, I wouldn’t be the me I love if it weren’t for the ones I would never gift any part of me to, again.
Epiphanies in honest and candid conversation with my good, simple human.